Lauren Wellbank

One mom and her struggle to survive until bedtime


Motherhood isn’t a job, but here’s my resume anyway

I have an unpopular opinion that I’m going to share here with you guys today.  And I sincerely hope that the village people of the internet don’t gather with their pitch forks, torches, and try and storm my Barbie Castle in the night.

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“Trash Can Jenga”

Guys, motherhood isn’t a job.  It’s just not.  I can’t tell you how many posts/memes/articles I have read that begin with, “Being a mother is the hardest job I’ve ever had.”

It’s not a job, and I’ll tell you exactly why it isn’t a job.

Can you quit being a mom?  Can you walk into your kids one day and say, “Hey, it’s been real but this is going to be my two week notice.”  No, no you cannot.

Can you hope that if you work really hard and are very good at being a mom, someday you will be rewarded with a promotion and a raise?  While an argument can be made that you can get promoted to grandmother or you can get rewarded with more children, I assure you, the pay stays the same.

Can you take a vacation from being a mom?  Do you get to take two weeks off and go to Cabo with your girlfriends and be completely and utterly NOT A MOM?  No.  Even if you leave your kids behind for two weeks, you don’t stop being a mom.  You don’t stop thinking about them and worrying about them and calling to check in, and maybe secretly regretting the decision to take a trip in the first place because, oh my god what if the plane crashes on the way home and you die and your kids are left motherless and your husband remarries and they forget about you and start calling this new lady mom and DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT WHEN YOU TOOK A VACATION FROM YOUR JOB?  No.

Can you one day decide that these kids aren’t really a good fit for you, and maybe you’d do better with some other kids elsewhere?  No seriously, can you?   Because mine doesn’t ever sleep and I’m just wondering… no?  Okay, I didn’t think so.

Do you know of a job where you are on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, all of the years of your life until you die?  You do?  Does it pay well?  Because my daughter’s doesn’t pay me shit for what I do here.

That’s a lie, I get paid in snuggles, giggles, and smiles from my daughter (which while priceless and wonderful, cannot be used to purchase that minivan that is in my very near future- yes, I checked).

Motherhood is not a job (it is work though, my god is it work), but it is not a job.  Calling it such cheapens what we do.  That being said, if it were a job, here is what I think resumes for mothers everywhere would look like:

Lauren A. Wellbank

Email: LaKeWi2016@gmail.com

Profile – Legging and yoga pants wearing, coffee drinking, chocolate sneaking, once a week washer of hair, and center of my family’s universe.

Professional Experience

Chef – You Can Eat What I Made, Or Not At All                                                         12/2014 -Present   Painstakingly researches and plans meals each week.  Tries to use only organic, locally sourced, foods.  Offers up something I spent an hour making to my toddler only to later have to give her a peanut butter sandwich because apparently kale is “yuck”.

Waste Management and Maintenance at I Guess I’m The Only One That Can See That The Recycle Bin Currently Has a Game of Trash Jenga Happening On The Lid So I Suppose I Am The One That Has To Take It Out                                                                                                    12/2014 – Present  On any day other than the designated trash day, I am the only person in the house able to see that the trash and recycling cans are full.  Also, the only one that possesses the ability to see that there are Cheerios on the floor and to put them into the trash can.  In charge of all lightbulb changes as well.

Laundry Technician at It’s Washed, Dried, And Sitting Folded In The Laundry Basket (what more do you want from me)                                                                                                    12/2014 – Present  Empty the hampers from every room in the house into the washing machine.  Back track through the house looking for all of the hidden places where my husband and daughter hide their dirty socks.  Walk back to the washing machine and add an entire second basket of dirty socks, because why not.

Housekeeper at Why Does It Always Look Like A Bomb Went Off In Here            12/2014 – Present First I pick everything up off of the floor, then I clean the bathrooms.  Next I pick everything back up off of the floor, then I dust.  Again, I pick everything up off the floor, then I do the mirrors and glass surfaces.  Once more, I pick everything up off of the floor, then I sweep and mop.  Finally, I pick everything up off of the floor, then I vacuum.  I put the vacuum away and turn around and magically everything is back on the floor, like some sort of hourly version of Groundhog’s Day.

Bookkeeper and Accountant at WHERE DID ALL OF OUR MONEY GO And WHAT IS THIS AMAZON PURCHASE                                                                                                          12/2014 – Present Create a detailed monthly budget that I spent anywhere from 28 to 31 days a month tweaking to make every penny work for us.  Routinely verify what exactly it was that my husband just purchased on Amazon.  Creatively rework our finances so we run out of month before we run out of money.  Question every purchase my husband makes while not giving a second thought to spending $40 on eggless cookie dough (because, pregnancy).

Nurse’s Aide/Healthcare at It’s Okay I Will Kiss It And Make It Better AND Just Take The Damn Medicine                                                                                                                                         12/2014 – Present  Kisser of boo-boo’s, wiper of tears and boogers, and yeller of “it’s not poison, it’s going to make you feel better!”  Maker of doctor’s appointments and caller of the emergency on call line for every person that lives in this house.  Also, occasionally responsible for digging Ibuprofen out of the cabinet and throwing it at my husband when he is complaining about something hurting.  Also, wiper of all of the butts.

Education – A lot of Googling, a lot of frantic phone calls, and texts to my mother/mother-in-law/sister/sister-in-law/BFF’s                                                                           12/2014 – Ongoing

References available upon request

2 Comments

  1. Adrienne E Curry

    December 13, 2016 at 7:16 pm

    This is EVERYTHING true. Love the resume….;) Totally accurate and you should add in the future…taxi driver! Wait until they get older, you’ll be driving all over god’s green earth:)

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