Kids are not the same as pets. I know there are a lot of people out there who love their “fur babies.” And who may feel personally attacked by that statement, but I assure you I’m not making a judgement call. I’m not trying to quantify love, I’m not the government, but I’m pretty sure we can all agree that there are some fundamental differences between kids and pets.

Kids and cats

Some things are just different. After all frogs are not the same as lizards. My husband isn’t the same as, oh let’s say, Timothy Olyphant (I mean it’s close, it’s just not the same).

I do wonder some days if I can trade-in my toddler for some sort of compact poodle. Or maybe a goat. I think a goat would be cool. And I imagine they’re easier to potty train than a 3-year-old. Probably talk back a little less, too.

So kids are not the same as pets, but like pets, sometimes they do some really questionable shit. Especially toddlers and cats. Or at least, my toddler and my cats.

I mean, look at this nonsense. Can you tell the difference between the behaviors of my toddler and my cats? 
  1. Threw up, peed, and pooped on my bed – cat, the toddler has never pooped on my bed.
  2. Once behaved so hysterically in the car that I cried – cat
  3. Ate Easter grass that I later discovered in poop – cat, and I’m pretty sure that the only reason it hasn’t happened with the toddler is because I learned my lesson with cats and banned Easter grass from our house in the early aughts.
  4. Threw up all over the living room floor – trick question, both
  5. Ate cat puke – gag, both, gag gag barf*
  6. Ate a peanut butter cup, including most of the wrapper, before I could get it out of their mouth – toddler
  7. Played with their own poop on the kitchen floor – toddler, and it was while I was on the phone and I wonder what that poor insurance agent said to his family that night when he got home and recanted his day and the screaming woman he talked to around lunch time
  8. Got a trash bag stuck to their foot and then ran terrified through the house because they thought the bag was chasing them – lol, cats, multiple cats
  9. Drooled all over me in their sleep – surprisingly, cat
  10. Knocked a vase of flowers from off the kitchen table – cat
  11. Proceeded to eat said flowers – both, and now that I think about it, that seems like it may have been a coordinated effort
  12. Thinks if they can’t see me I can’t see them – endearingly enough, both

Or maybe it’s just my weird kid, and my weird cats… who knows.
*don’t freak out, I think I got it before she swallowed it. And it was two years ago, so she’s probably going to be just fine. Orrrrrr, this is what’s wrong with her. Who am I to say?