How Did You Get Here?

My bathroom companion

If you’re here, it’s probably because you’re a parent.  It also stands to reason that if you’re a parent, you are probably reading this while on your phone, hiding in the bathroom.

No judgement here.  I’m actually writing this while on my phone, hiding in the bathroom #blessed.

You may have stumbled upon this because you googled “Is there a chance that my toddler is actually part goblin?” or “Why do people have more than one kid?”

Or maybe somebody you know posted something along the lines of, “Hey, check out this hot mess…” with a link to one of my articles and morbid curiosity brought you here.

Or more realistically yet, you’re probably my mom. Hi mom!

If you’ve somehow found yourself here but you’re not a parent, please don’t let anything I say turn you against having children.

They are wild, unpredictable, energy sucking goblins, but they are also kind of awesome and sources of hours of entertainment.  Also, their skin is soft and sometimes they smell like brownies.  I mean they can’t be all bad, I did decide to have more than one.

Yeah, he’s all mine!

I do all of this with my best friend and husband.  He provides me with endless love, support, and the occasional side eye that keep me going.  We met in 2010 at a party at my cousin’s house.  I had just filed for divorce and the very last thing I was looking for was a relationship.  Naturally, that’s exactly what I found.  Between conversations about Stephen King and an entire case of lager, we fell in love.

It took several more months before I recognized the relationship for what it was.  But eventually I did open my eyes to what was happening.  Regardless of whether I wanted it to happen or not, it did, and I feel hopelessly and endlessly in love with him.  We welcomed our first child in 2014 and were married less than a year later.  I call him my best friend, because that it what he is.  He is the person I look most forward to seeing at the end of the day and the one that I can’t wait to share all my stories with.  Also, he is incredibly handsome and funny, which makes him easy to love.

… and then there were three…

About that first child, a girl that I am positive is some sort of goblin-hybrid, and how she completely changed the course of my life.  Everything, from who I thought I was to who I aspired to be, changed when she was born.  I’m not going to tell you that I’ve never known love like this, or that she made me realize that life was worth living, because those statements are cliché.  Also, everyone says stuff like that.  Not as many people will tell you that in addition to all of that ooey gooey love you feel for your progenies, comes a lifetime of living in near paralyzing fear that something bad will happen to them.

That there will be endless bodily fluids, horrible smells, and a seeming eternity of tiny people aggressively insisting that you give them a taste of whatever you are eating or drinking.

I wouldn’t trade any of it, not even for an instant, because those tiny fingers and wispy bangs absolutely crush me and they do fill me with a love like I’ve never known.   Alright, so I’m a lame cliché, whatever.

… and then there were four…

As I type this we are patiently waiting on the newest Wellbank to join the fray.  Another girl that I’m sure will also turn out to be some sort of goblin-hybrid.  I don’t currently know much about her, beyond the fact that she enjoys late night calisthenics and is super fond of my rib cage.  She has also filled my life with a new purpose, eating bowl after bowl of green olives drizzled with A1 Steak Sauce.  Due to the fact that she has yet to scream “NO” at the top of her lungs at me, or shove partially eaten and suspiciously damp crackers into my mouth, she is currently my favorite child.

How Did I Get Here?

Writing has always been my passion.  During some of those late (pre-kid and usually beer fueled) night talks my husband and I would have, we would discuss writing.  We’d talk about our thoughts and ideas.  About how we would have changed story lines in our favorite books and movies.  We’d dream cast adaptations of our favorite stories.

Growing up I had always just assumed that someday I would become a wildly successful and famous writer.

One day it kind of dawned on me that in order to be a wildly successful and famous writer I would have to actually sit down and write something.  I mean, it sounds obvious now but at the time I just assumed it would just happen someday.  I know, millennials

So, in 2016 I started a blog.  It was the blog that would become this blog.  It has certainly been a learning experience.  I’m not going to lie, I was pretty god awful in the beginning.  Now, I’m only slightly less god awful, but there has been some improvement.

I’ve learned a lot about myself in the process.  Mostly I’ve learned that I really can’t spell and that I never really mastered the use of the semi colon… but, that’s what Google and spell check are for.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

(if you read this and immediately started singing songs from the Buffy musical, you are my kind of people)

Momsomnia, I didn’t make it up, it’s a thing.

Someday, this will be full time job.  I will get paid enough money so that my husband can stay home and watch the kids and I can just lock myself in a room for eight hours a day and make like Jack Torrance and just click-clack away on my keyboard… you know, but without the psychotic break at the end.

Until then, I just cram what writing I can into the quiet time after my daughter goes to bed at night and in the early morning hours when my momsomnia kicks in.

Thank you for giving me some of your precious, albeit limited, bathroom break time.  I appreciate it, and I hope you’ll come back for more next time.

You can sign up for email alerts and follow me on social media below.  You should do both of these things.  Not just because it will make me feel good about myself, but so that someday I can lie to my children and tell them how cool I was and show them all of the fancy internet friends I once had.