Lauren Wellbank

One mom and her struggle to survive until bedtime


Tag: Humor (page 1 of 4)

Attention parents, you are doing everything wrong

Parents, you are doing everything wrong! Yes, I mean you. Every. Thing.

That’s what the headline read as I scrolled through my newsfeed on my phone while nursing my 3 month old (apparently that’s another big no-no, no phones while breastfeeding.  Babies need eye contact while nursing.  PUT YOUR PHONES DOWN RIGHT NOW AND ENGAGE YOUR LITTLE SQUISH WITH YOUR EYE BALLS). Continue reading

6 tips for helping the pregnant woman in your life

Pregnancy, for some it’s a time of glowing and eager anticipation, for others it’s a time of great discomfort and fear, but for almost everyone it’s a time of struggle.

And I’m just talking about the dads here… ba-dum-tss.

The struggle is real

It can be hard to watch the woman that you love the most going through something that you feel like you can’t help with.  I mean, I can only assume, it looks like my husband is having a hard time here.

Continue reading

The second labor may be faster, but everything else is a lie

During your first pregnancy, everyone wants to give you advice.  People are bursting at the seams to share their tried and true parenting hacks with you.  They will tell you that you absolutely-without-a-doubt must breastfeed, or give formula, or co-sleep, or sleep train immediately, or whatever the parenting trend is at the time.

When you’re carrying your second child, the wellspring of advice dries up.  People either sympathize with you, or whisper cautionary tales.

One additional person triples the wash load

They’ll tell you about everything sibling rivalries, and how the work doesn’t just double, it increases exponentially, “One is like one, but two is like twenty.” Continue reading

Summer reading lists are BS when you’re a parent

There is something that happens when you become a parent.  Some weird thing that changes your relationship with the space time continuum.  It’s like, time no longer moves as it once did.  Don’t believe me?  Ask any parent you know and they will tell you that once you have kids, time loses all meaning.

I mention this fact, because today is the 4th of July.  Which is odd, since I swear St. Paddy’s Day was only yesterday.

The fourth has always felt like summer’s half way point to me.  Just like Memorial Day is the unofficial start to summer, the Fourth of July is the unofficial middleContinue reading

8 thoughts every mom has while breastfeeding

#boobthenoob

Being a new mom is hard. You’re tired, full of raging hormones, and you may or may not be so sleep deprived that you’re nearing a mental breakdown.

And that’s after spending the past 40 weeks being tired, full of hormones, and sleep deprived.

Being a new mom is hard… wait, I think I said that already… Continue reading

When sleep training finally works

Last night my daughter did the thing that we don’t speak of.  You know the thing.  The thing that all parents spend the first few weeks daydreaming about (because, you know, no nighttime dreaming takes place).

It’s the thing that you inevitably spend months Googling, wondering when it will finally happen, and eventually end up falling into a weary acceptance of.

You know, that thing. Continue reading

The curse of the second child

My entire life I have heard of The Curse of the Second Child.  It’s like The Curse of King Tut’s Tomb, but with less carnage and more apathy.  At least, that’s my take…

I can remember overhearing parents talk about it when I was a child, myself.  Then, as I grew older and my friends became parents, I would hear them joke about it.

The second child just isn’t as big of a deal as the first… they’d say.

Don’t mind so-and-so, she just has second kid problems…

The theory was that you had already spent all of your excitement/energy on the first kid, so when the second one rolls around it’s just not that big of a dealContinue reading

Pregnancy and the horse latitudes, what the last weeks and sailing have in common

Have you ever heard the phrase horse latitudes before?  If you haven’t, don’t worry, it’s an outdated term with several different interpretations that the average person would have no call to know. The origins of the saying have absolutely no baring on what I’m about to tell you.  That is, other than to briefly explain what it is so that you can better understand where I’m at right now.

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my

The horse latitudes is an old sailing phrase that indicated that a ship had reached a location with calm waters and no crosswinds.  Of course, this was prior to the days of two and four stroke engines.  Are you impressed that I know that terminology, because you should be?  With no prevailing winds, large ships would find themselves stalled out in the middle of the ocean.  Supplies would begin to run short and sailors would start to panic.

The inhumane (and insane) fix for this often began with water rationing.  The animals on board, specifically the horses, would bear the brunt of this solution.  When the ships remained moored in the middle of the sea they would begin unloading their least precious cargo, the horses. This would both lighten their load and reduce the use of their finite resources.

Continue reading

Parenting is not about the wins, it’s about living to fight another day

I’m sitting on the toilet, pretending to eat a fake carrot as my toddler stands less than an inch from my bent knees begging me to keep going.

“Eat more, mommy.”  She says, and pushes the carrot back to my face.  Again I make the “om nom nom” noise and pretend to nibble on the tip.  “It’s ice-cream!”  She yells, reminding me that I can’t even eat a fake carrot correctly, because now it’s been transformed into a fake ice-cream cone.  Get it together, mommy, her face says.  Parenting is kind of your job.   Continue reading

St. Patrick’s Day and Pregnancy; the two have more in common than you think

Every year since we first began dating, my husband and I have thrown a St. Patrick’s Day party.  The tradition began as “kegs and eggs”, which was basically just an excuse for some serious day drinking.  Over the years, as all of our friends began having children, it evolved into something a little more family friendly.

By the time we had our first child our annual green and orange clad shit show had morphed into something different.  It had become part wild party and part daycare, complete with an arts and crafts table.

We served champagne and juice boxes, we catered to everyone. Continue reading

Older posts

© 2017 Lauren Wellbank

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑