Tag: parenthood

To my daughter on her second birthday

To my daughter on her second birthday, I packed up your high chair the other day, you no longer use it. These days you insist on sitting in a chair at the table, just like your big sister. You’ve become her twin, her shadow, over the past few months. There is no where she goes, …

A thank you to all of the “loser teachers” I’ve known

“Keep up that fight, bring it to your schools. You don’t have to be indoctrinated by these loser teachers that are trying to sell you on socialism from birth. You don’t have to do it.” – Donald Trump Jr. I have been thinking about Mrs. Miller a lot lately. She was impossibly nice, had beautiful …

How millennials are ruining Thanksgiving

Dearest millennial host, It’s me, your 19 pound turkey, dropping in with a very important message about Thanksgiving. I know a written letter seems a little formal, especially since you are about to be wrist deep inside of me, but it’s pretty hard to get your attention any other way. For example, do you remember …

Twas the night before cold and flu season

Twas the night before cold and flu season… Twas the night before [insert thing I was looking forward to doing here], when all through the house, not a child was sleeping, not even with their favorite stuffed mouse; Their outfits for tomorrow had been laid out with care, in the hope it would speed up …

Fireworks and Summer Reading Lists

The Fourth of July is finally upon us. I can tell thanks to the sweet, subtle sounds of shit exploding outside my house. The relentless ballistics begin around supper and continue until well after I’ve passed out for the night #merica. The familiar percussion, while equally obnoxious and annoying when you have two sleeping toddlers, …

Kids ruin things, but it’s okay

Becoming a parent is a life altering event. You go from being in charge of just you, to having this whole other human being that relies on you for everything. They also somehow quadruple your laundry load. It’s intense. And it colors everything in your world. Suddenly you find yourself wearing these parenting glasses that …

How to enjoy St. Paddy’s day like you don’t have kids when you actually have a couple kids

Seven steps for enjoying St. Paddy’s Day like you did before you had kids. Step one: Dress your kids up in their St. Paddy’s Day finest. I am talking head to toe green, orange, and white. You’re going to need a gigantic green bow for their hair. This works for girls, boys, and patient dogs …

When my arms are full but my heart is not

On the days when my arms are full but my heart is not, I try to remember why. When everyone needs something right now, and I just don’t feel like I have anything left in me to give, I try to remember. When they’ve already eaten lunch and are asking for snacks but I haven’t …

Kids aren’t the same as pets

Kids are not the same as pets. I know there are a lot of people out there who love their “fur babies.” And who may feel personally attacked by that statement, but I assure you I’m not making a judgement call. I’m not trying to quantify love, I’m not the government, but I’m pretty sure …